The One-Armed Bandit.
——————————————————————————-
As I write this the title seems completely apt but when I finish I might have to change it. This write may seem a bit disjointed rather random but once you finish it my dear readers you will have learnt something that I promise you.
The following lines have been repeated in other articles too but for those who don’t know me or the new comers will need a bit of an epilogue. So here goes.
I am tall clearing six feet with two more inches well built not in the worked up bicep triceps sort that is all rage now but generally and at the risk of sounding pompous not too bad looking. The classic tall dark and handsome package. Married to a beautiful best buddy my life was a whirlwind of bars discotheques dinners movies outings weekends with a huge circle of friends thrown in. Very active in politics and a social worker it was almost as if my profession as an interior designer was an after thought in those hectic days. This went on for more than a decade and half before the wife and I settled down to a relatively calmer life but still rollicking was it. And the. Shit happened and it hit the fan too.
I weighing a good eighty six kgs started losing weight. The first five kgs went unnoticed but the following five weren’t. Pants started getting lose and belts had to be notched up tighter. I a sufferer of peripheral neuropathy which wasn’t a big concern till then started having severe pain in my legs. Doctors were consulted initially an orthopedic as the family doctor and I suspected sciatica who without much detailed diagnosis promptly blamed it on P.N after hearing about it. Pain killers became my only solace and the weight loss continued steadily surreptitiously. Numerous doctors were consulted all of who confidently blamed my problems on P.N and sent me away heavy with pain killers and vitamins. And the deterioration continued. I stopped working as I could not move much with out intense pain as punishment for it which further aggravated in the night. Having lost 35 kgs I now was a caricature of what I once was, the vibrant cacophony that had been my life was now a distant dream. As things went from bad to worse my movements became severely curtailed as managing a few steps became a task and I had to have someone with me for support and care. And the doctors still kept blaming P.N.
The emotional turmoil was immense with a certain numbness setting in as the comprehension was difficult and though I dealt with the whole sordid situation with a grin and bear it attitude which had salvaged me through numerous troughs in my life was not helping much. Confined to my home or rather the bedroom with brief forays in the living room to seek fellow human warmth. Damn lucky I am for my wife stood behind me uncomplaining like the rock of Gibraltar and rest of the family worried sick and always around to lend a helping hand or a sympathetic ear. I fought on gamely facing steady physical losses resorting to inane banalities to counter the despair. I have been a fighter and God has blessed me with a ability to take on every adversity of which there have been many he chooses to throw my way smirking with sinister sadism all the while. I was still managing to keep my spirits up. Finally I found my way to a neurologist Dr. Rajesh Benny who refused to accept that my condition was due to P.N and kept ordering batteries of tests one after another but to no avail. Finally an ANA BLOT was done and as I write this the results have come positive for an autoimmune disease Polymyositis and Dermatomyositis. Looking it up finally my symptoms were explained. As I always had a niggling suspicion that my condition was not due to P.N and something more insidious. The appointment with the doctor is awaited and will update you as to how it goes but as there is no cure for P.N nor is it for Polymyositis which promises further deterioration which can be managed by steroids or other treatments but that’s about it according to the hours spent on the internet. The doctors say is awaited both eagerly and with dread. But finally I know what ails me and of that I am immensely grateful. To
Anyways the back to the point of breaking with the numerous straws on it this diagnosis could have been the proverbial last one but as I said I am blessed, tongue firmly in cheek I managed to be relatively happy to the wonder of some and delight of others. I have always believed that every individual has a boundary of which he’s the king. Disregarding the perils and hurdles he faces he still is the ruler of his tiny fiefdom and this holds true for all the strata of society right from the bottom going all the way to the top. Obviously the boundaries differ but the thumb rule applies across. Right from a ten by ten shanty to an obnoxious mansion he works has a family of whom he takes care to the best of his abilities.
He goes through life dealing with whatever life chooses to throw at him with aplomb alacrity and as assiduously as possible. Victories in one hand and defeats in the other he goes through life chin up and shoulders squared. Of course laments despairs and disasters are a part and parcel but he gamely keeps his head afloat working hard looking after a family and staying relevant in society. Meagre or mighty he’s still the king of what is within his boundary.
We cope with the inevitable contracts and expands which in manageable limits are tolerable but when life being life starts throwing curve balls that is when men are separated from boys. The violent shifts are shattering for some and some take them in their stride. I when everything went haywire decided to contract my boundary. And when shit happened and it hit the fan I further contracted my boundaries. Nobody could take from me what was left however little and I still was the king of what was within. Of course the fight goes on but I am relatively calm reasonably happy. This is how you cope with life’s injustices. Don’t fret and fume or get depressed. Destiny runs it course as they say what will be will be just go with the flow keep your head afloat and swim hard. While never giving up just look around, though shrunken you still are the king of your kingdom. Those in distress look within there’s still so much left and look outside there’s still hope for so much more. Better days are just around the corner and till then chin up and shoulders squared.
Till the next one.
Veeru.
P.S. The positive result for Polymyositis has been negated by my doctor and the quest for what ails me continues.
